someday ..

feeling: confused but yet hides wif smiles :)
listening: savin me - nickelback <3
its the 17th of april havent wrote here in awhile wooops my bad! LOL
well i did go to the party wif alkai and drugs but i didnt see no drugs =/
alkai .. yeh LOADS of it 18yrs old and 19yrs old so yeah lol youngest i was the only 16 yr older :(
LOL jst afta dat day probs happenin fings were so much more awkward now distant ....
but i feel i should let the feelings goo.. i mean wat if he dnt see wat i see?
plus he dont wanna see it ..
as in a letter i read ; we said our goodbyes as lovers... maybe its true its jst a goodbye
keep it as a friendship isnt easy ; hiding it all wif a smile and showing u dnt care =="
being the sturrborn person iam .. hate admittin things .. noein iam wrong ..
but in the situatio on how im feelin i aint wrong
wen the beginin of friends how could he possibly liked me wen we tlked heaps more i didnt like some fings he did yet i was a thug baq den?
as i see how we tlk now clearly shows nothin important 2 tlk bout or nythin at all
he isnt tryin .. he has showed me wat its like 2 be the last one standing in his world.. as im not important or unique no moree...
friends with dere craziness of alkai... a frnd of mine jst called me and tlked 2 me on msn
about 2 make a drink up ... some friends need me 2 make a party?
is dat all iam all dat 2 dem a party planner 4 their thirst of alkai and getting drunk?
ive given it up drinking .. at times i wanna drink as crazy and have a hangover not remember fings ... was given awhile ago temptation of taking drugs and smoking,,, but me inner me knew it was wrong of me ,, the other side of me jst wanted 2 give in and forget fings n not care if i find my way home...
one yearr of the death of my grandma [ TE QUIERO MUCHO ABUELA (F)]
still having dat guiltness of not being a good grandaughter to her , seeing my family still ripped up about it jst trying to hide with smiles aswell so deres somethin dat distracts my mind but in a bad way as i feel not only alone in this world .. no-one to talk 2 but myself .. noeing and ppl telling me im lost =/
the true me isnt showing no more.... who iam den 2 be?
iam kiara birth name chiara =] is 16 turnin 17 in the 4th June loves my guitar and the game of basketball 2 younger siblings even tho not my own full blood .. buh still love them as my own blood even dnt noe wats that like buh dere the closets 2 it :) i love heaps of different music - a wide variety of it jst 2 love these fings wat else culd b missing?
wat is a tru personaility if dese are me - the clothes the wear? my style? my speech pattern?
see i dnt even noe myself jst the fings i do love and dislike i guess =/
so many confessions here .. so many things i want a straight answer with ...
so many things i wished id let go n forget ....
so many things i wish i could have...

but in the end these are jst words.. no actions as i plan 2 stik it like dat..

as for today waking up .. early than usual =/ having all these fings run threw my head as fast as lighting all these fings wanting 2 have the anwer 2 !
wantin 2 noe wat truthly goes threw their minds ..

these are jst my confessions on this lost journey....

` kiiaRAH![=